The recent discovery of the ancient Ethernets has forever altered the way humanity views its past. Among the many amazing findings is a rich trove of Facebook dispatches that date back to the beginning of time itself. Now a selection of these lost Facebook updates is at last available for the world to see!

Noted historians Brylon K. Tilgh, Ph.D., and Dr. Tony Cougarmouth have carefully selected the best status updates, profile pages, and late-night exchanges found on the ancient Facebook, including:

GOD and ABRAHAM’S exchange over Isaac’s life(God was a real practical joker!)

HENRY VIII’S many relationship status updates and the POPE’S responses

Live updates from GANDHI’S hunger strike

J. EDGAR HOOVER’S interests and hobbies (Fashion, Surveillance, Destroying Lives)

The original WOODSTOCK event page and much more.